Okay, player. It’s just you, me, and Mr. Ryu over there. The odds are stacked against us; that’s fine, I’m cool with that. Keep the timing tight, manage that space, and punish when you can.

Alrighty, skipping the character intros, that’s good. You’re keen. You’re ready to go. Round One. Now…make me throw a fireball.

What are you doing? Stop making me punch the air! Do it now…now!

ARGH! Oh Christ, those fireballs…they hurt so much.

Quick, make me throw fireballs back at him! No, you fucking moron - Down-Forward-Punch! Down-Forward, not Wrench-Stick-From-Side-To-Side…honestly, you’re killing me with these whiffs, man.

Okay look, just…block. Get me blocking. Move that stick back. That’s it. WaitnononononononoIcan’tblockthatFUCK.

Oh, I’m stunned. Tweet, tweet, tweet. You can’t exactly say “no throws or mercy” to the CPU, can you? Well, here comes Ryu to introduce me to some pavement. Great.

So now I’m on about 20% health, and Ryu hasn’t been touched yet. Come on - at least end this with some dignity.

Wait…what are you doing?

Oh no…my Ultra meter is full. Please. Please don’t make me do it. He’s on the other side of the screen, you douchebag! DON’T DO IT!

SHINRYUUUUKENoooohhh God, I’m dead.

“What, round’s over?” Yeah, that’s right. I’m dead thanks to you, scrub.

And just think - there’s a whole extra round of this to come.