Facilitator: Well, gentlemen, thank you all very much for deciding to present at our seminar. I’m sure you all have your, uh, own unique experiences to share with our clients in regards to the melee weapons you use. Perhaps if we go around the room and introduce ourselves, so we can get a feel of what we do and how we can present our material? Gordon, let’s start with you.

Gordan Freeman: (STAYS SILENT, HOLDS UP CROWBAR)

SS2 Hacker: Huh. Check it out, it’s House.

Duke Nukem: I’m gonna park my bricks on your house.

Facilitator: Easy, Duke. Everybody gets a turn. So, Gordon, would you like to say a few words about your crowbar?

SS2 Hacker: So what? I got a wrench. Big deal.

Gordan Freeman: (STAYS SILENT, HOLDS UP GRAVITY GUN)

SS2 Hacker: Oh, for Chrissakes. Look, Freeman, I took out a batshit crazy AI and the army of freaks she created. What did you do? Open some portals and break some vents. Real inspirational, doc.

Jack: I used a wrench in Rapture, too. It came in pretty handy. There was this one time, in Rapture, where…

SS2 Hacker: (TO JACK) Would you kindly get me a coffee?

Jack: …damn it. (LEAVES ROOM)

Facilitator: Uh, maybe we should hear from Ranger next, who is from Quake 1, I believe? Ranger, would you like to show us what you use?

Ranger: (QUIETLY) I use an axe. Her name is Shelly.

Facilitator: I see. That’s…very nice.

Ranger: They sent me through the Slipgate. She was on the other side, lying against the wall. There was an Ogre waitin’ too. Bastards could smell me soon as I came through. Didn’t want to use its grenades on me - figured it’d cut me up. Of course, the shotgun jammed, so I picked Shelly up and hacked the ogre to pieces. Couldn’t even get its chainsaw going. (LOOKS DOWN AT AXE) Her name is Shelly.

Malcolm: Is you trippin’, player? You use an axe?

Ranger: Her name is Shelly.

Malcolm: I’m telling you, what you need in a weapon is power. You should be able to charge that toolie up and *boom*, motherfuckin’ meat shower. (HOLDS UP IMPACT HAMMER) Word up. This is the end of the conversation, right here. It ain’t a Tournament ’til you unload a few hundred pounds of force onto someone’s skull.

Sarge: You shut your filthy sewer, maggot, and see a real weapon in action. (BUZZES GAUNTLET) We were holed up in Q3DM8, rockets pounding our position, ammo low, Blue Team everywhere. Then some Peter-puffer cocksucker tried to rush our flank. They didn’t realise that a spinning saw blade with an electrical discharge would put you in a world of shit. Last thing that ping-pong juggling fruitcake heard was HUMILIATION.

Daniel Garner: I think I know where you’re coming from. (SPINS PAINKILLER)

Duke Nukem: Damn…that thing’s an inspiration for birth control.

Daniel Garner: Uuh, yeah. Too soon, Duke.

Turok: There is no reverence in the weapons you all use. You rely on machines, like a crutch. (BRANDISHES KNIFE) See this? I’ve conquered dinosaurs with this.

Malcolm: I’ll take my Impact Hammer over your can opener any day, Chief. (TO EVERYONE) Who the fuck uses a knife, anyway?

(COUNTERSTRIKE GUY, WILL BLAZKOWICZ, SOAP MACTAVISH AND SERIOUS SAM RAISE THEIR HANDS)

Malcolm: (SCOFFS) Amateurs.

Counterstrike Guy: *B*O*O*M**H*E*A*D*S*H*O*T* lololololol

Ethan Thomas: You all have no idea. You ever get your gun taken from you? You ever try to make your way through a city of violence junkies and psychopaths using a 2x4? How about beating someone to death with your fists? There’s your fucking reverence, right there. Doom guy, back me up.

Doom guy: DEMONS. DEMONS EVERYWHERE. KILL ‘EM. NEED TO KILL ‘EM. (REVS CHAINSAW)

Ranger: So many demons. There were so many demons on the other side of the slipgate.

Duke Nukem: I’ma park my nookie rod in your slipgate.

Daniel Garner: How’s that game of yours going, Duke?

Malcolm: …now that’s just cold.

Facilitator: Right…I think it’s time for a break. Let’s come back in 15.

(JACK RETURNS WITH A COFFEE)

Jack: (TO SS2 HACKER) They ran out of sugar. I had to get some from across the road.

SS2 Hacker: Hey, thanks. (SIPS AT COFFEE) So…would you kindly shit your pants?

Jack: …you’re a dick.